If in Doubt, Make it Up

Due to a difficult work schedule and general after-hours lethargy, the Garrett Park Blog did not have a representative — culled from its staff of one — who was able to attend the March 9 Town Council meeting. We presume, however, that important things happened and that the town’s populace was well served. Yet, journalism must go on. So, in the longstanding tradition of reportorial giants the likes of H.L. Mencken, we present a totally fictional account of the meeting.

Last Monday, the council held its first session since passage of Ordinance 2009-23: the Every Viewpoint is Legitimate (EVIL) Act. The proceedings got to a bit of a late start, given that Mayor Keller took more than 10 minutes calling the meeting to order. Wielding the new “honor all points of view” gavel, Keller had difficulty deciding which of its 13 heads to rap against the table.

The first order of business was approval of the February meeting minutes — and the four sets of minority opinions. Unfortunately, each of them required amendment, largely because Councilmember Jack Mandel demanded he be identified in all official documents as “the Jackmeister.”

Moving to presentations by citizens, a Post Office representative, who identified herself solely as “a Post Office representative,” apologized for the confusion about service hours for the facility housed at Penn Place. The hours are not being severely curtailed, she said. A report to that effect was erroneous. However, she added, all Garrett Parkers must now share a single mailbox. (A personal note: Would whoever took my copy of O, the Oprah Magazine please return it. It’s the issue with a picture of Oprah on the cover.)

Several citizens then took the floor to offer suggestions of what the town could do, were it to receive any economic stimulus money. The ideas included making Ted Pratt our town sheriff, paving Wells Park, starting a Garrett Park communal bamboo grove, and expanding our recycling program to include motor oil and pet waste.

The meeting then turned somewhat more serious and officious, as Councilmember Beth Irons conducted a variance hearing. This being the first variance action since the lot coverage referendum, things could have gone south in a hurry, so everyone was at least a little on edge. And that, it turned out, couldn’t have been a more dramatic moment for Councilmember Irons to reveal the latest tool in municipal zoning calculations: Garrett Park’s new Wheel of Setbacks. With a Vegas-like spin and a clattering reminiscent of a playing card in the spokes of a bicycle, the wheel landed on “get out of zoning free.” The lucky homeowner, now entitled to cover every last inch of his lot with anything he wanted (up to and including a helicopter landing pad) stood up, shouted an epithet or two, and loudly threatened to “sue you guys into submission for discriminating against me.”

In his monthly report that followed, Mayor Keller discussed a recent Maryland Municipal League budget conference he attended, where, for the most part, participants sat around and wept uncontrollably.

In councilmembers’ reports on areas of responsibility:

• Jack Mandel reported that Town Hall is no longer available for fraternity parties, after the unfortunate cow incident in January.

• Charles Berry said the new playground equipment should be installed in Cambria Park within about a month. In an effort to keep up with kids’ leisure trends, the new equipment will consist of 12 flat screen TVs, with videogame consoles attached. In a bow to safety, though, all mulch will be replaced with rubberized pellets, in case anyone falls down.

• Solange Hansen debuted plans for an autumn leaf inventory that will require the purchase of six billion stickers with barcodes on them.

• Hans Wegner reported the town’s plans to obtain all electrical power from the wind has been a huge success, with two blocks of Kenilworth Avenue now powered solely from excess gusts emanating from land use task force meetings.

As always, the meeting ended with the town clerk’s budget update. This month's report said, in its entirety: “If you have to ask, we can’t afford it.”

With that, the mayor gaveled the meeting to a close. Well, he ended the meeting. Instead of the gavel, he just banged his head.